When was the last time you had an encounter with yourself? Not the self you recognize in the mirror, the one whose name you answer to, whose history you remember, and whose personality you believe you know.
We generally think of ourselves as one person, with one identity, one personality, and a clear sense of who we are. Yet our inner world is rarely as unified as we’d like to believe.
Just think about it. We can desire something yet resist pursuing it. We can make a perfectly rational decision and then act against it. We can be compassionate toward others and merciless toward ourselves. Have you ever wondered who is having all these disagreements?
One way of looking at these internal contradictions is through an approach known in psychology as parts work. One particularly interesting model, developed by psychologist Richard Schwartz, describes the different parts of ourselves as members of an internal family.
Just like members of an actual family, they may agree or disagree, compete, form alliances, or attempt to take control. Some are quite vocal. Others prefer to stay in the background. And a few have been running the household for so long that we’ve mistaken their voices for our own.
One of the most fascinating propositions of parts work is that some of the behaviors we struggle with most may have originated as attempts to protect ourselves.
The perfectionist may have learned that being perfect is a way to avoid criticism. The people-pleaser may have discovered that approval gives them a chair at the table. The independent may have concluded, somewhere along the way, that relying on others is not safe.
These aren’t universal explanations. Human behavior is far too complex for that. But they invite us to consider another perspective.
What if much of what we call our personality is actually a collection of strategies we developed in order to survive and adapt?
A child who learns that expressing anger threatens connection may grow into an adult who avoids confrontation at almost any cost. Someone who receives recognition through achievement may become an adult who struggles to separate personal worth from productivity. A person who experiences unpredictability may develop a powerful need for control.
Over time, these strategies can become so familiar that we begin to see them as part of our identity.
Now, consider what happens when different parts of us want different things. One wants freedom. Another wants security. One wants recognition. Another fears exposure. One wants intimacy. Another fears vulnerability.
So, when was the last time you had an encounter with your inner family? And can you tell who is running the show?