I don’t know about you, but I used to think that speaking up was a sign of strength. And sometimes it is.
Sometimes saying exactly what needs to be said is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. But sometimes the stronger response is not responding at all.
Psychologists have a name for it: psychological flexibility.
It’s our ability to experience uncomfortable thoughts and emotions without automatically allowing them to determine what we do next.
In other words, feeling something doesn’t require acting on it.
Anger doesn’t require an argument. Offense doesn’t require a confrontation. A provocation doesn’t require a response.
I know, it’s easier said than done when the bait is right there.
But there’s something else research has found that can help bridge that gap: giving a name to our feelings and needs as soon as they arrive.
I am angry. I feel rejected. I feel misunderstood. I want this person to understand what they did.
Putting an emotion into words can reduce its intensity. It gives us that fraction of space between the feeling and the action.
And in that fraction of space, reaction can become intention.
What do I feel like doing right now? becomes What do I actually want to accomplish here?
We sometimes confuse expressing ourselves with standing up for ourselves. But they’re not always the same thing.
There are conversations worth having. Boundaries worth defending. Things that need to be said clearly and without apology.
There are also arguments that lead nowhere, provocations designed to pull us in, and situations in which being right accomplishes absolutely nothing.
The work is learning to tell the difference.
Not silence out of fear. Not swallowing what matters. Choosing rather than reacting. Knowing when to speak. Knowing when to act.
And knowing when something deserves to be left exactly where we found it. That is strength too.